Hi!
I am not really writing this to anyone and should someone find it, I suppose that is kismet. I am a 42 year old wife, mother, teacher, friend, colleague....who has depression and anxiety.
I am lucky. I am still alive. I still have a job. For the most part my depression doesn't control me....usually. I know there are people who are one bad chemical from ending it all. People who are on disability because they can't leave the house.
That is not me. My big black dog (click here if you have no idea what I am talking about https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc) is sneaky and lazy. He can spend weeks napping in a corner before he pops up and takes over my world. He is a lot like my lab, when he wants my attention, he is going to shove his face right up to mine, knock whatever I am doing off my lap and get all up in my face.
I am not going to edit this blog. I am not going to plan it out like people do to be successful bloggers. I just need a place to get my thought spirals out of my head. Maybe, like the Anna Nalick says in Just Breathe say , "If I get it all down on paper, its no longer Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to" Maybe like John Greene writes, It is just "turtles all the way down" and writing it down will make me think about it more.
Today I am thinking about Anthony Bourdain (and a little about Kate Spade). I stumbled across his show years ago because of my husband. We watched many episodes and I marveled at his ability to travel and connect with the local people and learn about culture. That is a goal of mine if I ever get to travel, learn the culture. Always the educator, I feel that life long learning is a thing of wonder and the amount of diversity on this tiny planet is a gift waiting to be unwrapped. It caused me to seek out his books and be amazed at his bravery. So much of my life is spent being too afraid to try things. Bourdain was on my list of people who I would love to have lunch with. So much I could learn from him. And now, like Robin Williams (who was also on my list) he is gone. The world is a poorer place. But I feel like the feedback on social media is just as fickle as it is with school shootings. Thoughts, prayers, "we need to change XYZ", mental illness awareness....then it fades and we go right back to being assholes.
Maybe part of our issue is not so much that these things exist, but that we have fragmented ourselves into boxes covered in labels. People in the Republican box cannot interact with those in the Democrat box. People in the straight Christian box fear the people in the LGBTQ boxes. We don't try to come out and play. We don't come out and ask questions. We lob grenades of hate from our box and peek out to see the disaster we have created.
It occurred to me today that I don't know my neighbors. I know the people to the left and right of me and across the street, but the people who abut my backyard? Nope. I have spoken to them once or twice but otherwise, nothing. I have seen them rocking a baby. Did I bring a gift, or a cake or offer to baby sit? Nope. I assumed all was well. What if the mother had post partum depression? What if, like me, they had small kids and no family in the area. Growing up I knew all the neighbors on my block, on both sides. My parents knew them too (which is why I knew better than to get in trouble!) the yellow pages gave them easy access to call each other if needed. We had block parties. People are social beings (even us introverts). How do we go back to being a village and not warring factions? I guess that will be my thought spiral du jour (and what I want to say to my boss when I get to go in for my annual review and contract signing....)
Later
me
I am not really writing this to anyone and should someone find it, I suppose that is kismet. I am a 42 year old wife, mother, teacher, friend, colleague....who has depression and anxiety.
I am lucky. I am still alive. I still have a job. For the most part my depression doesn't control me....usually. I know there are people who are one bad chemical from ending it all. People who are on disability because they can't leave the house.
That is not me. My big black dog (click here if you have no idea what I am talking about https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc) is sneaky and lazy. He can spend weeks napping in a corner before he pops up and takes over my world. He is a lot like my lab, when he wants my attention, he is going to shove his face right up to mine, knock whatever I am doing off my lap and get all up in my face.
I am not going to edit this blog. I am not going to plan it out like people do to be successful bloggers. I just need a place to get my thought spirals out of my head. Maybe, like the Anna Nalick says in Just Breathe say , "If I get it all down on paper, its no longer Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to" Maybe like John Greene writes, It is just "turtles all the way down" and writing it down will make me think about it more.
Today I am thinking about Anthony Bourdain (and a little about Kate Spade). I stumbled across his show years ago because of my husband. We watched many episodes and I marveled at his ability to travel and connect with the local people and learn about culture. That is a goal of mine if I ever get to travel, learn the culture. Always the educator, I feel that life long learning is a thing of wonder and the amount of diversity on this tiny planet is a gift waiting to be unwrapped. It caused me to seek out his books and be amazed at his bravery. So much of my life is spent being too afraid to try things. Bourdain was on my list of people who I would love to have lunch with. So much I could learn from him. And now, like Robin Williams (who was also on my list) he is gone. The world is a poorer place. But I feel like the feedback on social media is just as fickle as it is with school shootings. Thoughts, prayers, "we need to change XYZ", mental illness awareness....then it fades and we go right back to being assholes.
Maybe part of our issue is not so much that these things exist, but that we have fragmented ourselves into boxes covered in labels. People in the Republican box cannot interact with those in the Democrat box. People in the straight Christian box fear the people in the LGBTQ boxes. We don't try to come out and play. We don't come out and ask questions. We lob grenades of hate from our box and peek out to see the disaster we have created.
It occurred to me today that I don't know my neighbors. I know the people to the left and right of me and across the street, but the people who abut my backyard? Nope. I have spoken to them once or twice but otherwise, nothing. I have seen them rocking a baby. Did I bring a gift, or a cake or offer to baby sit? Nope. I assumed all was well. What if the mother had post partum depression? What if, like me, they had small kids and no family in the area. Growing up I knew all the neighbors on my block, on both sides. My parents knew them too (which is why I knew better than to get in trouble!) the yellow pages gave them easy access to call each other if needed. We had block parties. People are social beings (even us introverts). How do we go back to being a village and not warring factions? I guess that will be my thought spiral du jour (and what I want to say to my boss when I get to go in for my annual review and contract signing....)
Later
me
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